by Camden Hoch, Author, Yogi & Radiance Coach
Just move into Acceptance to grow – blah, blah, blah….
All words in this article are my perspective and not meant to harm anyone or keep them from their experience on their path. They are honest, heart felt and written to stir it up – whatever your “it” is. According to Eckart Tolle “Accepting means you allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are feeling at that moment. It is part of the isness of now. You can’t argue with what is, well you can but if you do, you will suffer.”
When I was growing up I remember asking my Dad why my brother got to do certain things when he was growing up that I didn’t get to do. He said “You know what, life’s not fair and that’s just too bad.” That really pissed me off. I wanted an answer. I wanted a why. And I never got it from my parents only if you consider “life isn’t fair” or “because I’m your mother or I’m your father” an answer to my why question, which I don’t.
This is when the rebel in me erupted like a volcano bursting hot killer lava ready to wipe out whatever got in its path. As a teenager I was seething with feelings, questions and hormones and there was no outlet in sight. Meditation – never heard of it. Talking things out – what’s that. So it felt really good to drink, have sex, jumping off a 60 ft. train track bridge, and let it out. Was that out loud? Remember my article last quarter on transparency – this is all about healing and helping others save time and energy on their path so if I can offer some wisdom I encourage you to keep reading – your son, your daughter, you or someone in your life may just need a wake up call.
I got to be such a good warrior and my armor held in every single feeling and nothing got out unless it was released in a drunken moment. My feelings of unworthiness, shame, guilt, jealousy, and rage were so tightly trapped that when they came uncorked I was crying alone in desperation hungover ready to end it all or on another “fun” binge. From the outside, it appeared fun and at times it was but it was not sustainable. Sometimes I even think was a manic depressive or bipolar. I wasn’t I know that now and I was fighting every single moment. I was not in the now. I was guilty about the past. I didn’t want to be in the moment – it was too painful. A mom who drank and was unpredictable, a dad who worked a ton and wasn’t home much, and they also did their best. All I wanted to know was why?
I wanted to be accepted and loved for who I was and yet I wasn’t sure who that even was. I was told don’t perform it’s too showy and tacky; don’t speak out it’s too risky and whatever you do, get male teachers in college and you’ll do fine. WTF?
When I was little, I used to say the rosary at night in bed while doing bicycle kicks until I was so exhausted I feel asleep. No I wasn’t catholic and yet it gave me some peace and let me escape the voices in my head for a while.
As I got older, boys, drugs and drinking took the place of my rosary. Again, no comfort, no answers, plenty more complicated, hangovers and no love.
My lineage had the repeat button playing for sure. When I met my husband and his brother life changed. No it’s not some weird arrangement. My husband loved me and reflected how to love myself. His brother a Sai Baba devotee introduced me to acceptance. Funny, how I always thought acceptance was “giving up” and quitting and letting “them” win. Acceptance is all about being in the present moment, being in the now. The lightbulb went on and never went off – thank God, Sai Baba, the Universe, Flow, Jesus – where ever you live with your higher power. I could do this because I had an answer and now I had a process for how to really feel my feelings and bring them to the surface for self-reflection. I could see what was real and what was a scenario in my mind only. At that moment, I was hopeful.
Acceptance is a level playing field. It’s coming up from the bottom of the pool for air. It’s the spaces between the breaths. It’s simply accepting what is in every single moment. The bridge between resistance and acceptance is awareness. Once you are aware of what you’re fighting or what you’re resisting, you can say “yes, that’s my bs and own it.” Once you own it, you’re at acceptance. From there, you can make a different choice or you can go back to resistance. This is what I know. If you go back, you will suffer more. Did I hear you ask “why”? Similar experiences will hit harder until you decide to accept your bs and take new action. Your pain is your biggest possibility. Whatever is your biggest resistance, is the answer to your “why” question right now. Change and resistance bring both pain and pleasure. Keep the bridge of awareness on your radar and cross when you’re ready to live in the now and keeping walking one step at a time. Your life is the process for uncovering the masterpiece you were born to become.